#also this is a hate letter to myself
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Circling back to this official art by Satoru. I was thinking about how Kiryu tries to snap selfies with him and he’s always struggling away and never looking towards the camera, even at social gatherings he’s the one that’s blurry or out of focus because it’s so clear he does not want his photo taken.
Until you ask him so sweetly to take a selfie with you at a social gathering one weekend and he literally can’t bring himself to tell you no, because he wants to take a selfie with you too. So he’s bending down to get into frame and you’re shuffling closer to him until his head is pressed against yours as he’s fighting the blush that crosses his cheeks as he tries to remember to breathe. Softening his face as he stares into the camera and you take the photo.
Kiryu is in the background complaining that Sugishita never takes selfies with him *pout pout pout*
And when you ask him if he’d like you to send a copy to him he surprises you by agreeing (and if anyone could ever get a glimpse of his phone screen that photo is now his wallpaper)
But also the idea that he will use the picture of you and him as his wallpaper makes me SO emotional and soft 😭 PLS he’s almost like a changed man around you! Just a lot more mellow and actually engaged in what’s going on. Also Ume catches him one day staring at his wallpaper and he can’t resist asking ‘you really like her, don’t you?’ & sugishita doesn’t even contemplate his answer, eyes still focused on your pretty features, and he just gives a firm nod confirming his feelings for you 🥺
#NO PLEASE I AM SOSOSOSOOSOSOOSSO SOFT#I read this earlier today but i literally haven’t had a moment to myself all day since 10am#& I have been thinking about this for hours!!!!!#and I still can’t get over the image of him pressing his face to yours 🥺#he is so shy yet also so bold?!?!#his heart is racing when you ask him & he is so close to telling you no but he genuinely would hate himself if he did#would never let this moment pass by 🥺#letters to nana 💌#bakugous-forehead.ask#sugishitaaa <3#nana’s one piece saga 🌪️
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today i have been kind of like oh god the tasks are endless and consuming -- the tasks are not endless and consuming, the tasks just all involve detailed organization and aesthetic curation which are talents i was not blessed with and skills i have never cultivated so i've been staring at various shelves and boxes of art supplies like Now What all day. at least the art supplies i can kind of muddle through with the help of pinterest but the curios, which i've been stuck on for like two weeks, are like ok is it visually balanced to put two novelty barracuda pucks next to the laughing buddha. the barracuda don't really make me feel zen tbh. at least with christmas decorations i put off so long dealing with that now i can just put them up ig...not sure it's the best use of my money to buy a teal colored christmas tree but what if it is :/
#we also took a little detour on linkedin#and i found the STUPIDEST evangelical job#i was like i could do this in my sleep but the problem is the minute anyone asks me to evangelize on purpose i'm just like#what works for me does not work for everyone idk man do whatever brings you calm and don't worry abt it too much#and evangelical christians hate that shit so idt i'd pass the interview process#SHOULD i get a teal christmas tree. what if i got toxically into making my own ornaments out of all the free shit i've gotten from bay area#sports teams in the past 5 years that is all in a box under my bed#[my family's voice] what if you got toxically into jobhunting instead#the problem is i have applied in different industries so my cover letters which are usually very good are getting chaotic#i owe. SO many people emails and responses on like every platform but i told myself i have to fix the art supply and curio situation#before i can dig into the equally time consuming but way more fun stuff#because i gotta vacuum 😭#fresno oilers.txt
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#hi i’m out here torturing myself for some reason#LOL#uhhhh never thought i’d try writing a character death fic but here we are#it’s different and fun#but i also hate it#🫥#mdzs#the untamed#jin ling#lan sizhui#tis a zhuiling fic yes of course#blood#gore#cw blood#cw gore#fic wip#someone gave me the idea for this and i hate them too#you know who you are#fuck you#i love you#ahahahahAHA#😭#second part is a chapter start/time jump#it just went kind of eerily well with this part so i kept it in frame oops#oh yeah and they’re aged up in this one#i was gonna wait to do an aged up fic until letters never sent#but it’s just too big of a project and i miss writing assfgfsgg#toss a queue to your witcher
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rlly bad fever rn oof
#꒰ ✒️ : cielle's diary ꒱#but math waits for no one#i have a quiz tomorrow#fuck i feel like crying#numbers feel traumatic at this point#actually no ! theres barely any numbers left and its all fucking letters !#and fuckass symbols#why am i struggling so much this isnt supposed to be that deep#or maybe im just crazy again tonight cause i feel like absolute shit#and my wisdom tooth also hates me#ha lol jokes on it cz i also hate myself#what am i saying#vent ig might delete ok bye
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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I mean this in the nicest way possible: I wish I was a better friend.
#delete later#I know I’m not a good friend#but i think it’s trauma related#and I know that’s not an excuse#but a reason#and I’m just… also tired of people leaving me#I don’t strike up conversations anymore cause I was the friend who always did so#I was always the one making the effort to be in other peoples lives#and it sucks. ya know.#and sometimes I say dumb things that then like….. makes people not want to be around me I fear#and like…. yeah…. that’s part of life#but I’m just so tired of being alone#I want friends. I want people to send post cards and letters too#and I wanna hang out with people#and I want them to tell me things I want them to tell me how they are feeling#like. online friends are great!!#don’t get me wrong!!#but I know I’m not a great online friend either.#and when I try to be I fear I come off as flirting. like sometimes I am. don’t get me wrong#but I wish I could just… go to a friends house and sit with them and hold their hand when they are having a bad day and have the same done#for me!!!#I am always giving…. I am always giving parts of myself to people who don’t give themselves back#I still know my ex-best friends favorite color but I doubt she knows what mine was when we where friends#if you read this far just…. ignore it oof.#it’s just a rant#sometimes I rant in a tumblr post cause reading rants back in old journals is. bad. for my mental health#my adhd just picks the emotions right back up and then I go through it again. so it’s best to tumblr rant#I’ve also been having complicated gender emotions again#I don’t hate the idea of being a woman/girl as much as I used to. and it’s throwing me off a bit#I mean it’s right on time really… I have a gender crisis almost every four years…
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We are unfortunately. SO back
#EVERYONE SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY MARIO KART AU#basically. we are racers. noooo wayyyyy#we are like. rival racers and he hates me because I’m full of myself and stuck up but GOD am I so so pretty <333#and I think he’s a annoying and. also full of himself and I NEED to beat him but I’ve got it so bad#idk it’s like a rivals to lovers kinda thing where we’re always at eachothers throats and also…. lips?#GAHHHHFJFHGHHHHAAAGHHH#the romantic tension would go CRAZYY#you know that one scene in cars where lightning gives the king a boost over the finish line? yeah we need some of that over here#waiter! waiter! more angst please!#I need to get into a wretched accident or something#idk#there’s so much potential for this I need to draw#self shipping#f/o community#fictional other#f/o gush#selfship au#Mario#⭐️🍄you’re my superstar#♡.love letters
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just officially sent in my resignation for my fucking childhood dream workplace
#my boss always talks about her 'guilt complex' lmao. as soon as i have another job and dont need to worry about burning bridges#im sending this bitch a letter detailing exactly why she deserves to feel guilty for the rest of her fucking life#i hope she lies awake at night picturing my face. fully intend on letting her know how close i came to killing myself.#fully intend on intentionally continuously saying its bc SHE MADE ME anxious and SHE MADE ME depressed#since she doesnt believe she can make me anxious#i hope she has to attend therapy. i want to make her feel as guilty as she made me feel like fucking shit#fully just wish nothing but the worst for her for the rest of her lonely miserable life. i hope she realizes soon that everyone hates her#truly one of the people she considers to be a close family member also works in our department and hates her!#talks all the time about how awful she is and how horribly she treats all of us#i hope she feels that hatred every day of her fucking life and i hope she never sees true happiness as a result#until the day that my memories of my childhood refuge from abuse are no longer tainted by HER abuse‚ i pray she never knows peace
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What to do when my fic wants to be a Thick One. I like talking I know that, but I wanted to write this fast, so I could read it faster, because – I have no reason to lie – I am doing this for myself. But this is getting longer and longer and I feel like loosing hope. This story will be like all the others, me vomiting words fast, tangling plot and whatnot, then I get a writer's block when I realise I actually have to solve the caused problems.
#this is a letter to The Void#i am screaming my problems into the wide and open air#please ignore this#i'm writing#tonhal pofázik#i should make a tag for this story i'm complaining about it way too much#i thought to myself the other day when i wanted to write but my mind got all foggy when i opened the doc#hey you should start translating those parts that are actually done#hnnnngh#i started it#it's going to be a rollercoaster#me to myself: you speak english. you have an actual certificate of that#also me: *googling the grammar rules of present simple*#also English. why do you hate commas
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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i have recently been made aware that it’s not normal to feel discomfort and disgust when people use your given name? like that’s not what everyone who doesn’t like their name means when they say they don’t like their name?? hearing mine makes me cringe and sometimes even makes my skin crawl or my stomach drop and you’re telling me most people don’t experience this????
#if you noticed i took my name out of my bio that’s why#also exclusively using they/them pronouns online now#kinda want to try he/they and a new name i picked out but i am a coward#so ill see how i like they/them for now#is this the catalyst of my enby/trans awakening?#if i was more self aware i would have seen it sooner#tbf i did have a masculine nickname in high school that had no relation to my birth name except for beginning with the same letter#i didn’t come up with it myself but i did like it#and my sister has a different masculine/neutral nickname for me#and when my sister and i would play pretend I was always luke when she was leia#also i made half my barbies ftm trans ….. instead of just asking for boy barbies i transed them#I’ve always hated being called young lady or miss or a woman tbh#makes me feel strange. gives me the ick as the kids say#rambling in the tags#these tags are all over the place but im leaving them to document my thoughts lol#personal#trans#nonbinary#gender questioning#lgbtq+#names
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Doctor 1: I'm telling you, her brain is different.
Doctor 2: She seems normal to me.
Doctor 1: No, the way she PERCEIVES reality is crazy. I don't know what disorder this is specifically.
Doctor 2: It's not schizophrenia?
Doctor 1: No... you'll see.
Doctor 1: Hey, kid.
Me, being normal: Yes doctor?
Doctor 1: Who is Blumentritt in Jose Rizal's life?
Me: ✨ Sugar daddy ✨
#sometimes I ask myself#why I perceive reality this way#if the heroes were alive they would (1) hate me (2) be sweaty cuz we figured it out#Ferdinand Johann Franz Blumentritt#blumentritt#jose rizal#“they're cringing in heaven”#philippines#filipino#heroes#bayani#Blumentritt was just jose Rizal's confidant and he translated Noli#he also financed la solidaridad#they only met once tho#Jose wrote a final goodbye letter to blumentritt and he reportedly cried
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the day my brain was literally rewired and my gender was being changed by the second SO HERES A GAS STATION SPECIAL before this joint was even a gas station in the FIRST PLACE !!!!
FUCKING FREAK
#kommento#// theres a whole love letter in here dont open these tags it's a readmore equivalent#p4#⛽️🌫#moel gas station attendant#tohru adachi#boot.tingting#arttag#// sneak peak before the manager became a manager and only put the uniform on to see how well it would fit and hasnt taken it off since.#// im tearing up because i hate how it's been three years and also i cant find the other notebook so i went through gphotos instead#// also that i miss blorbo so much i miss my old self so much she was so sweet and genuine and the passion and love and everything#// STUPID SEQUENCE OF PHOTOS the way my brain was so fucking rearranged i had to get up and make memes and take screenshots and then#// draw then COME BACK AGAIN to watch the thing that changed my life forever. AGAIN#// sorry was having technical difficluties in yokohama im back istok im normal (affirmation )#// this is literally all me before i started thinking about myself and wondering about my gender then the dysphoria came rushing in like#// some freshwater spring about to make a waterfall and i had to let it settle and get used to the ecosystem with two more years#// took a month where p4gsteam was booted up and i made my own save at some point and finished it on july 8#// clasped my hands and had a honeymoon period over. mimi <3 then the day after rolled around and i watched the .chair car adventure#// literally my first p4 doodles were mimi and adachi theres no fucking denying it theyre the og. theyve been with me from the start#// theyre so important to me theyre so personal they made me who i am thats why im so mad with the community i have to share them with#// because theyre all so different from me and i took that personally#// IT'S KOKAY !! look at how far ive gone. this is the biggest archival effort ive ever done my entire life ive grown branches#// farther than ive done before ive put such a variety of skills to use just to make myself food and manage this damn station#// and keep some sort of love alive which was all from me and is still from ME !!!#// crying while writing these tags now sorry okyakusan i'll clean it up soon#// these doodles really explaining my mindset from the start and how the grindset has never really changed at all#// it was all friendship for three years and still will be i love adachi i love gas station attendant so much THERE I'M SAYING IT#// cherry on top friend just dm'd me to get an actual job at a gas station IM SHITTING MYSELF#// happy anniversary to my genderest best friend and the most problematic uncle ive ever had#// we're all holding hands and theyre treating me to topsicles because it's all i could ever shamelessly want
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How would Scaramouche behave with his children (possibly his son) :)
like a good dad :)
sorry, i already said it but children aren’t exactly my favourite topic and as a man in his early twenties (to me), scara just isn’t the ultimate dad; i tried my best to indulge the other asks but i don’t really want to turn this into a thing
#┊✩彡 divine correspondence ♡#┊✩彡 unsigned letter ♡#┊holly’s modern au ✩彡#sorry but it’s not for me#other people get baby fever when they see a kid and i make a mental check note to always have birth control#the thought of sitting on a colourful carpet on a sunny sunday afternoon playing with my kid or watching my husband play with them#it makes my stomach turn#and i don’t know why#it’s the epitome of domesticity#but i can’t get myself to like it#normally my mom says that i’m just too young to get it but when i told her that she looked a little shocked#i also never know what to do with them#like others easily entertain them but i never know what to do#it was different when i had an internship in the kindergarten#and people have told me kids tend to like me#but i don’t know what to do#obviously i don’t hate them but i’m always happy if i can give them back to their parents#so kids?#not my cup of tea
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some sterek girlies are privileged and by that i mean they don’t have any takes that would get them torn to absolute shreds by the rest of the fandom
#most of my opinions are common. most of my headcanons are common.#but some. some of them…….#ik it’s not that big a deal. but it also sometimes feels like if i ever said i think ******’s fics are overrated#i would be flayed and roasted over an open flame#(don’t read into the number of *s i just put a random amount not the amount of letters in the authors name)#like i would never say it publicly mostly bc i don’t want to be a bitch that hates on another fans work#but a part of that is that i don’t think many sterek fans wld agree with me LOL#to be 110% fair i’ve only read one of their fics but it was so ooc and off putting to me#i can’t bring myself to read more#which is also a reason i don’t voice this particular opinion i don’t actually know what im talking abt#anyways. having a private gc of trusted fandom friends where you can bitch about things like this#is so essential to a good fandom experience i’m being so serious#personal#kitty needs to chill
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